Sunday, March 19, 2006
A lot of religious jokes are pretty filthy, and many poke fun at the doctrine of various faiths. So here are some clean ones I've heard that don't really disparage any specific faith system.
Starting with one of my all-time favorites:
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A missionary was walking along a remote path, traveling to spread the Word of God. Suddenly he heard a loud roar and a lion leapt onto the path a few hundred feet in front of him and began charging at him. Knowing he had no place to run, the missionary hit his knees, closed his eyes, and prayed.
"Lord God Almighty, Father in Heaven, Praise Your Name. Please deliver me from this beast. Please don't let this lion kill me. I have so much work to do for You, Lord. I spread your Word to the unsaved and find Your Joy in it! Please Lord, Your Will be done, please show me a miracle today...hear my cry and don't let the lion...."
His prayer fades as he realizes the lion should have been ravaging him by then. He peeks open one eye and there in front of him is the lion. It is kneeling, its hands clasped, its head bowed, its eyes closed! The missionary leaps to his feet, pointing at the sky.
"Praise God! A miracle!"
The lion looks up, startled and says, "I don't know what you're doing, but I'm saying Grace."
- - -
A woman was in a dreadful car accident, and survived, but her soul was actually taken from her body a second too early. She appeared before God, who said, "One of the angels made a mistake, you can go back. You are not supposed to die for another 40 years, 3 months, and 4 days. Go, and live your life to the fullest following my commandments."
The woman wakes up in a hospital bed, her body a disaster. The doctors tell her she's broken many many bones and she is lucky to be alive and she will have to have quite a bit of reconstructive surgery so that she can walk again. She says, "Praise God for His Mercy and Grace. I will endure what I must."
The woman considers that since she knows she has a long life to live, and a long road to recovery because of the surgery, she will get some plastic surgery done at the same time. She gets a facelift, botox, a tummy tuck, breast implants, and a butt tuck. After many months of healing and physical therapy, she walks proudly out of the hospital, prepared to begin a new ministry.
Crossing the street, she is hit by a bus and killed.
She appears again before God, outraged. "You said I would have 40 more years! What's up with that!?"
God replies, "Oh, Girl, I didn't even recognize you!"
- - -
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, stuck it in the door, and went on his way.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock...."
Genesis 3:10 contains, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid...."
- - -
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up me Irish Whiskey."
Miraculousy, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."